Elves are Crazy
by Scienceperson
Summary: I suck at summaries, but this is the story of a high elf mage and the crazy Bosmer he is unfortunate enough to end up stuck with. It's a collaboration; most of the story is actually already written and will be posted here eventually.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Morrowind is not mine, and by publishing this I am not trying to suggest otherwise.

Author's Note: This is actually a collaboration, adapted from a role play. Una is my character, but Deln is not. I'm not sure the way I've done this is easy to follow, so feedback would be appreciated.

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In the year 427 of the Third Era, Emperor Uriel Septim ordered that several individuals with certain characteristics locked up in the Imperial City prison be released to the island of Vvardenfell, in Morrowind. In accordance with his wishes, those prisoners matching the description he gave were transported to the volcanic island and released with a handful of gold and orders to report to the local spy master, though it was expected that only a few would follow orders.

As one of those prisoners exited the census and excise office, she reflected on the time she had spent locked up over the previous months. Maybe setting a fire to escape from the guards hadn't been the best idea she'd ever had, but it was supposed to have been a distraction - everyone's attention would have been focused on putting out the fire, and she could slip away before anyone noticed. That they hadn't been able to put the fire out and the whole store burned to the ground wasn't her problem.

The only problem was... well, she had _horrible_ luck. It hadn't taken the Imperial guards long to catch up with Una "the Puny Elf" and lock her in the Imperial prison. She had earned the nickname from the time she spent terrorizing the Imperial capital with a Nord at least twice her size. She wasn't sure what had happened to him, but she didn't really care to find out, either. It was partly because of him that she had another eight months tacked onto her already long sentence of two years.

Though she had been sentenced to almost three years, Una spent barely three months in confinement before she learned that she was being set free.

She had been happy to hear that, until she discovered that she was being sent to Vvardenfell. From what the Bosmer had heard, the entire island was still behind the rest of the world. It was a backwoods country with backwoods people. What she saw, as she stood outside of the Census and Excise office in Seyda Neen with nothing but the clothes on her back (and everything she could carry out without getting caught) didn't do much to change her impression. With a sigh, the Wood elf scanned what she could see of the town for the nearest shop, dark eyes narrowed into slits to keep some sunlight out.

She might have been granted an official pardon, but Una had no intention of changing her ways just yet. The first thing she needed to do was unload everything she'd stolen from the census office, and find some decent armor... armor that would only be paid for if she had no other choice.

As Una's attention was focused on her next destination, another one of the newly released prisoners exited the Census and excise office behind her. Unlike the Bosmer, Deln hadn't even meant to commit a crime, much less get caught. He had expected to be released after the initial investigation – he had only been defending himself, after all.

Sometimes it didn't pay to be a talented apprentice. His master had attacked _him_ in a fit of jealousy, not the other way around. He had merely struck back with a fireball, in self defense. The attack hadn't even killed the man, but the guards would have none of it. They had tossed him in prison without so much as listening to his side of the story, saying that he was too dangerous to remain free.

Deln had lived in fear for nearly a month after that. The Imperials were capable of some horrible things, he had heard, some of which bordered on utter barbarism. When he received word that he was to be released to Vvardenfell, he was unsure whether to be relieved or more scared than he had been. He would be free, and he was glad of that, but what good was freedom when he could die at any time? After all, Morrowind was rumored to be dangerous.

The trip itself had been a short one. Deln slept through much of it, and what he hadn't slept through had been pleasant enough, considering his status as a prisoner. As though to rub that status in, he had been released on the island with nothing more than a set of cheap clothing. The Altmer had lost everything when he was arrested. He suspected that he was only allowed to keep his knowledge because the Imperials had yet to figure out a way to take it from him. The only other thing he had been allowed to keep, his shoulder-length white-blond hair, couldn't properly be called a possession.

As he exited the Census and Excise office, Deln took a good look around the dingy town he had been forced to visit. He was tall, as were all High Elves, so he was able to see in spite of the small crowd that had started to form just outside the door. His eyes paused on the female Wood Elf standing nearby. She was dressed in similar clothing, so he guessed she was also one of the newly-freed.

Deln summoned a bound dagger (a spell which came easily to him, as most others did) then tucked it in his belt as he approached Una. He hoped he would not need the weapon, but he was very much aware that at least some of the individuals being set free along with him had been in prison for a reason.

"Hi... you just freed yourself?" He asked, somewhat awkwardly.

The Wood Elf had not been aware that anyone else was paying attention to her, and the sound of Deln's voice addressing her startled her. She whirled, hand reaching for where her sword would have been... if the Imperials had given it back to her. As it was, they had not, and her hand met nothing but air. Trying a new tactic, she adopted a less aggressive stance and put on a fake smile.

"That's what they said. I'm not sure I believe it... if it's too good to be true then it isn't, after all," she said amicably. Already, the dark-haired thief was trying to work the situation to her advantage. If she could befriend the high elf, she would have herself a new meat shield.

Though Una didn't know it, Deln was thinking precisely the same thing about _her_. From her reaction to his greeting, he guessed that she might be a warrior. Someone like that would come in handy if he ran into trouble. "Wood elf, sorry if I'm being blunt, and unwanted. But it strikes me as this: we are both strangers in a strange land, with near nothing to our names. We would..." he hesitated for a moment as he chose his words carefully "...profit, and better yet, survive, from traveling together."

Una was surprised that the Altmer had broached the subject first, but she wasn't going to complain about it. He had a point; they were both unlikely to survive in Morrowind for long on their own. Working together offered the best chance for success.

After considering this for a moment, the Bosmer nodded. "Sounds fair enough to me. Speaking of profit, though, how were you planning to split the loot?"

Had he been a less reserved person, he would have leaped for joy. Deln was aware that she was already looking for an opportunity to take advantage of him, but he was okay with that. He needed her help more than he needed whatever they might find.

"I was thinking..since I'm a mage, and not a greedy one, most of the loot would go to you. I would just take enough to cover for me, my training, supplies, and a some of the magic items. The greatest part would go to you, as you see fit...?" He hoped it was a reasonable suggestion.

The Bosmer seemed to be happy with that arrangement, because she took his hand and shook it. "Sounds like a fair deal to me! Call me Una."

While he normally would have been averse to allowing a _Wood Elf_ to shake his hand, Deln supposed she couldn't do any harm. He had nothing to steal on his person anyway. "I'm glad," he replied. "You may call me Deln," he added as the dagger he had summoned disappeared, leaving behind nothing but a puff of magical smoke. The Altmer glared at where it had been just moments before. He was unhappy to be unarmed once again, but he hoped he wouldn't need the weapon any more.

He had Una, after all.

"So, what do we do first?" he asked as he turned to the shorter elf. He had never been comfortable in a leadership role, and he was happy to let her take over for now.

Una had been planning to make her own decisions about where they went anyway, so his apparent willingness to follow suited her just fine. "Well, Deln, first I need to sell a few things I... uh, found. And I think that guard captain said something about Balmora to me..." which he had, just after he had caught her trying to steal the key to the warehouse.

"It's supposed to be a larger town than this little fishing hole, so we might get a better deal on weapons or armor there than we would here. I doubt we can make the trip on foot without some equipment. I don't want to waste my coin riding a giant _bug_, but that's our only option unless you have any suggestions."

Deln nodded in understanding. "Ah, so you're a thief." He didn't sound surprised, or even displeased. Most Wood Elves were thieves, in his experience, so he had expected that Una would be as well.

She opened her mouth to protest his characterization of her, but the Altmer was already speaking again.

"Wait here." He made his way into the swampy area on the edge of town, stopping long enough to pick some mushrooms and plants here and there. He returned to his new companion and held out one of the mushrooms for her to take. "If we sell these, we should have more than enough gold to buy passage on the Silt Strider," he explained to her.

Una hesitated. She looked at the mushroom in Deln's hand as though it was going to grow arms and legs and try to kill her. Finally, she reluctantly grabbed it, holding as far away from herself as possible. "...right. Sounds like a plan," she said, though she sounded distracted.

"Is this thing even safe to touch?"

Deln shook his head. He was surprised – who would have thought a Bosmer would be afraid of plants? "No. A word of advice: most plants won't hurt you, unless I say otherwise," he told her.

Despite his reassurance, Una didn't look convinced. "I'll go sell this... thing... then." She walked off, headed for the trade house.

"Just what I need... a pointy-eared, flower-pickin' mage," she muttered to herself as she went.

The High Elf didn't hear her – which was probably better for the both of them. He watched her with mild amusement for a moment before he went back to picking more plants. After he heard two nearby guards talking about how one of them had been sent to Morrowind as punishment, he kept an eye on the building the Wood Elf had gone into. He _definitely_ didn't want to be left alone on this island.

Several minutes later, Una emerged from the trade house. Deln met her at the bottom of the stairs. "All went well?" he asked in an intentionally humble tone.

Una kept looked around nervously before she nodded. "Everything went just fine," she said. "But let's avoid the guards for a little while," she added after a moment. The dark-haired elf went to the bridge before she jumped into the stream it crossed. She paused just long enough to motion for Deln to follow.

Deln didn't really see the need for her nervousness, but he supposed anyone who had just gotten out of prison would want to avoid the guards; any business with guards was trouble. And so he followed her at a sedate pace, until a rather angry-looking High Elf exited the trade house, calling after Una: "You scoundrel! You won't get away with this! Thief!"

Deln kicked the pace to a flat out run, which he had only a little difficulty maintaining. "You stole from him?" He asked incredulously. He was disappointed not because she had stolen, but because she had given them a rather rough start to their journey. He headed for the silt strider.

"I just made our transaction a bit more fair, is all. And be glad that I did! I picked up a pretty nice dagger and 200 coins," she defended herself as she scrambled up the hill ahead of him. Una stopped short of admitting that she had in fact stolen anything.

The guards in Seyda Need weren't exactly the best the Empire had to offer, fortunately. It took them a moment to comprehend what exactly the owner of the trade house was carrying on about, and by that point the pair had reached the caravaner.

"100 Septims if you ignore the guards and take us to Balmora immediately," Una offered, the coins already in hand. Fortunately for Una, that was a decent offer and the caravaner nodded in agreement. He took the coins and the Wood Elf hastily climbed into the hollowed-out portion of the creature's shell, followed closely by Deln.

Now that they were safe, he took a moment to reply. "I see..." was all he had to say about it. He had no desire to see the inside of another jail cell, of course, but he suspected that Una wasn't going to change her ways any time soon.

"Wake me up when we get there," he said as he settled back to enjoy the ride. Within just a few minutes, the high elf was asleep.

_How can he be asleep already?_ Una asked herself, though she didn't bother to voice the thought. She resisted the urge to stand and pace to pass the time; she suspected doing so might make her even more uncomfortable than she already was.

Instead, she turned her thoughts toward planning what to do once they arrived in Balmora. If the thieves guild in Morrowind worked at all like it did back in Cyrodiil, the first thing they needed to do was locate the local guild leader and join. Una wasn't interested in going back to jail either, of course, and in her experience the guild could be very helpful with that.

After that... Una frowned. She suspected Deln would want to find a slightly more legitimate way of obtaining funds. Something pointless and time-wasting like picking flowers for the mages guild, no doubt. They would probably have to check in there as well, then.

Una crossed her arms as she leaned forward to wait for the trip to end.

_Oh well, _she supposed. _It could be worse. At least it's a bug and not a plant._


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: As with the last chapter, this one was only partially written by me. My co-author and I will be taking turns with editing each chapter, so the next one will be edited by me, and the one after that by him, and so on.

Hope that clears up any confusion before it happens.

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Una had jumped out of the silt strider, by the time Deln jerked awake. He quickly followed her, blurry eyes or not. "Lets avoid this when we can." Una suggested, still walking. Deln apparently agreed with her.

"Why are you saying that to me? You're the one that.." He glanced around. ".....Well...got us into this. But I see your point. The Mages guild has a much faster method of transportation. Speaking of which..I REALLY do need to stop by the Guild house, if you don't mind" He said absently, it could be noted that Altmer talk...a lot. Deln had unwittingly voiced Una's thoughts about him and the Mages guild.

Balmora was quite a charming place, though a little too plain for his tastes. The air was warm, and it was bright and sunny out, so that was a plus. Quite an agreeable town, if he did say so himself. He recalled hearing somewhere that Balmora was the place to go, for budding adventurers, and That's what they were, if you discounted the thief and mage pairing, of course. "Any places you had in mind to go?" Deln asked, as Una was glancing nervously at the armored Dunmer who was patrolling near the river. Of course, she wasn't entirely certain that he was one of the guards, but there was at least one more person wearing an identical set of armor that she could see - a pretty good indication that it was a uniform of some kind.

"I need to take care of that little misunderstanding back in Seyda Neen before the guards here find out about it," Deln nodded, agreeing with this, and she went on. "I'll meet you at the Mages guild in an hour," she informed him, before she wandered off to explore Balmora a little more thoroughly.

He nodded at her retreating back. Hopefully she would find a way, he didn't want to get taken to a..fort? was that what it was here? he didn't know. Setting off-and asking a few people for directions- he quickly found the Mages guild. He found a Khajiit who was willing to give him orders, and luckily enough, they were easy enough to complete-he liked her for that, she seemed nice enough-

He sighed in dejection, he had stashed in his robes a few soul-gems, which he had guiltily taken-well..taken without permission, which equaled to stealing, and he didn't want to think that he had stolen from his new friends-and planned to give to Una, they were VERY valuable, she'd be happy at least.

When Una finally did return, she was considerably more cheerful than she had been when they first arrived in Balmora. She had also managed to get her hands on a sack, which was full of... well, something. It was hard to tell since she held it closed.

"I think I like this town," Una said with a grin. "Good people, not too quiet, and the guards seem to more more interested in looking busy than actually paying attention." She sat down on a table near the door to the guild, ignoring the disapproving look she got from the dark elf standing nearby. "I also made some new..." she hesitated for a moment, unsure of the best word to use, "...friends... and made sure the guards won't be bothering us for a little while. All I have to do in return is get a diamond."

By this point, it was pretty clear that Una was planning to stay in Balmora at least for a little while. "What could you possibly have spent an hour doing _here?_" she asked, a frown on her face as she finally took a moment to look at the inside of the building. _It's too dim in here, and it smells like a smoldering compost heap,_ she added silently.

Deln nodded, to him, Una seemed more...happy, cheerful, perhaps more careless. "Be careful, they will still throw you in jail quick enough, if they catch you" he warned, rather unnecessarily."But its good you made...friends" he added, he had no doubt what kind of 'friends' she would have had made, considering the type that could help with guards, and the type of person Una was. It would take an Orc to be confused by THAT mathematical problem.

"Could have made me stay here for an hour?" He mused. "Why, everything, spells, people, knowledge, and a few people that needed help...and in the meantime.." He glanced at the nearby dark elf, and waited till the dark elf wasn't looking, then-carefully keeping it shielded with his body from sight- he handed the soul gems. "I trust you know the value of these?" He asked. He hoped she was happy with that, selling them would give them enough drakes to live comfortably for a month! though inwardly he cringed at the loss of something so powerful, but he supposed they needed gold more...for now.

Una's eyes widened for a moment. She hadn't really expected Deln to steal anything, so it was a pleasant surprise. "Those are worth more than most merchants even _have_," she whispered, before handing them back. Selling them would be a problem, but the island was pretty big, so it was likely they could find somebody somewhere who would buy them... though Deln would be better able to find a buyer - people would be less likely to assume _he_ had stolen them. "We should probably keep those hidden in town - I'm not looking to go back go jail any sooner than you," she added as she slid off of the table.

"Agreed" Deln muttered, there wasn't many merchants who could buy such things, they might have to sell it cheap. Oh well. He carefully hid it in his robes.  
"You like it?" He asked meaning the soul gems, to her nod.

"That reminds me - you came on the same ship I did, so you were a prisoner too, yes? What did you do to land there?" Una asked. She was mostly curious, but as always Una had more than one reason for asking. If Deln was dangerous, she wanted to know about it. Of course, there was no way to be sure he might answer honestly.

"How did I get in jail?" Deln asked, surprised. But he couldn't see any reason to not answer the question. "I am....I...was an apprentice...a quite gifted one, I would have passed my master easily, in a very short time. Unfortunately for me, he wasn't willing to let it go like that. He attempted to kill me, I barely defended and escaped. Guards caught me, guards blamed ME for attacking 'my master' and so here I am" He shrugged, not in the mood to even ask what Una's story was, his own had dampened his mood.

The wood elf listened carefully as Deln told his story. If what he said was true, he was probably harmless unless she attacked him, which she hadn't planned on doing anyway... not yet, at least. "Damned guards never did care much what the truth was," she said with an almost sympathetic tone to her voice.

"So what do we do now?" Deln asked.

Of course, with Una, 'truth' was a very fluid thing, and open to interpretation. "Now, I think we should find somewhere to stay. And something to eat. I haven't had a decent meal since yesterday," she said as she walked back onto the streets of Balmora. "Did anyone here give you any recommendations? The South Wall on the other side of the river isn't the sort of place to stay if you have anything valuable, so it's out.

"'Truth' was jelly with wood elves, everyone knew that. He had no doubts on what she did, and didn't exactly disapprove. Even if he did, he wouldn't tell her, he needed her help. "I...may have an idea, on where we can stay" He was saying. He had heard from a friend that a certain house was..empty. It was a Hlaalu noble's too, so it would be a pretty good house. He started leading them to it. "You'll have to open the door" he said.

"Ralen Hlaalo, yes? I heard some talk about that - he was murdered recently." Una was saying, looking around as she spoke, noting who was on the street in the area around the two guilds. There was a book shop just across the street, and an armorer just around the corner. The level above where they were standing looked to be the more expensive part of town.

"It's worth checking out. You get us there and I'll get us in." She didn't comment on the fact that he had assumed she had a way to get through the door. The Wood Elf never went anywhere without a lock pick or two - even in prison she'd kept a couple on her, not that they had been helpful.

"That guard captain back in that hole our boat landed in wanted wanted... something, didn't he?" Though Una would never admit it, she hadn't been paying close attention at the time. She had been... otherwise occupied. Coincidentally, the shelves in that room were much emptier when she left than they had been when she had come in.

"He did...I think" Deln replied said. She didn't know it, but he had no intention of becoming the puppy at the call of the empire, it hadn't done him any favors. And neither would it do anyone any favors in Morrowind. He was silent until they finally arrived at the building.

Glancing everyone-and taking note of the alchemist shop not too far away- he said "OK, no people in sight"

Una crouched in front of the door with a lock pick in her right hand and a probe in her left. It took her a few minutes (and a few curses directed at her cheap lock picks), but she did get the door unlocked. "Backwoods island with backwoods security," she remarked as she stood and concealed her lock picking tools once again.

Deln snorted. "Backwards it may be, but it took you long enough" He said absently. He was too lost in thought to realize he might have been rude.

"After you." Una replied. It had been his idea to come here after all - let him get hit with whatever somebody might throw at them for breaking in if it was the wrong house.

With a sigh, he entered the house, the empty house. "Nice place" he commented. There was a table, lots of storage place, shelves, already supplies, stuff to sell. And this was just the first floor.

Una glared at him for a moment. "Let's see you get past a lock style you aren't familiar with using a set of cheap tools any faster than that," she paused for a moment, thinking of an appropriate analogy. "It would be like making a potion using nothing but a rusted spoon and a rock," she explained. That may or may not have been an accurate comparison - given Una's irrational fear of the mushroom Deln had tried to give her before, it was probably safe to say she had never tried to make a potion.

She followed Deln inside. The place seemed nice enough, she agreed silently. She picked up a piece of bread from the table and smelled it. "Smells fresh enough... poor jerk can't have been dead more than a day or two," she observed. The jumpy, paranoid side of the wood elf seemed to be gone - for the moment at least.

He snorted at her once again, sitting his bags down on the table. "Only...with any tool, alchemy takes longer" he replied, even though that wasn't really the point. "Hey Una" he said, walking up to her. "Can I have about...half of our gold? I want to buy a few things, I promise they will more than pay off their price in gold"

Una had about 1500 Septims - she had spent the hour when they first arrived in Balmora selling whatever she could find in the various crates scattered around town. There was absolutely no way he was getting 750 Septims from her. She carefully considered her answer. "Will four hundred do it? That's what we can spare at the moment."

"That will be enough" He replied, he honestly hadn't though they had that much, that was why he only asked for half.  
She counted it out and reluctantly handed it to him. Though she forced an agreeable tone into her voice, Una didn't seem at all happy about giving up more than a quarter of what she had.

In fact, had it not been for the soul gems she probably wouldn't have been willing to give him any gold at all. Since he had proven himself at least partially useful she was slightly less concerned... but no happier about parting with the money.  
"Be back soon" He added, then with a bounce in his step, left.

Without too much time passing, he returned, his arms full of Alchemical equipment. He sat it on the table. "I went across to that alchemists, and she had some cheap alchemy stuff, so I got that" He grinned widely, then give the last 50 gold to Una.

While Una didn't personally like alchemy or the ingredients involved, she did know the value of a good potion. She pocketed the leftover gold and lounged in a chair next to one of the shelves in the room. "Just keep your smelly poisonous things to yourself and we'll be fine," she said, then took a bite of the bread she'd found on the table before. After a moment, however, she realized that she had no idea how the Hlaalu noble had died.

Making a face, she put the bread on the shelf. "We should probably acquire our own food," Una pointed out. "Safer than trusting what's here..." She was actually perfectly willing to pay for food - it was one of the few things she _would_ buy. It tended to be safer: if somebody died because of bad food, word got around and the business didn't last long after that.

Deln laughed at that. "This may take awhile, you want to go check out the town, while I make some potions?" He asked, arranging the alchemical equipment on the table. "Yeah..good point, maybe go buy some food? we don't know what the noble died of" He said, unconsciously mirroring Una's thoughts-once again-.

The equipment set up, he raided the boxes and crates for herbs, and then his robes. Setting all of them up on orderly rows, near the alchemy tools.

Una stood, stretched, and walked toward the door. As she reached for the handle, however, the door began to open on its own. In an instant, Una was out of sight, hidden behind the screen on the left side of the door.

As the door opened, it became clear that an Imperial male was on the other side. His haircut identified him as a (current or former, it wasn't clear) member of the legion, though he lacked the uniform. Instead, the Imperial was wearing chitin armor and expensive clothing. The man had one hand on the longsword he was carrying - he had been told that the door would be locked, and it definitely hadn't been when he tried it. It took him no time at all to notice the apparent intruder surrounded by alchemy equipment at the table.

"Excuse me, but is this Ralen Hlaalo's residence?" the Imperial asked politely. He was from out of town, after all, and he didn't want to open the wrong door and then start waving his sword around.


End file.
